I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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