I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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