woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
