My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
