I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
