I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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