Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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