Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
