Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
