Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
