this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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