My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
