you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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