He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
