Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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