Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
