I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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