Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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