Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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