But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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