do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize