i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
