okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
