chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize