i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
