On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize