i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
