I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
