the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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