I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize