i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
