I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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