I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You're like the curious george of whores
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
