I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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