i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
