he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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