I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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