This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
