i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
