I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize