Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What a dumb baby whore.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
