I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
