I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
