I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
