I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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