Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize