I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
