It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
