Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
