Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My dick has a subreddit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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