there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
