Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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