When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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