i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
