what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
