i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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