The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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