love makes seman taste better
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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