Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
