Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize