Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
