Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
