Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
