I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
