First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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