Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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